Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Steph's LiveJournal:

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Friday, December 14th, 2001
11:41 pm	Aloha. I'm just moving on to bigger and better things, dear. Actually, the new journal sucks as of now, but I'm working on it!!! Tootles. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 3rd, 2001
10:23 pm	Saturday night was a mixture of emotions and reflections on life. Moments displayed the reasons why one shouldn't get so close to anyone- eventual grief, pain, loss, and infinite, unanswerable questions. Why him? Why then? Why whoever? Why? Then there were short periods that proved that there was a reason to risk it all. Put it all on the line and risk getting your heart smashed to smithereens. All for laughter, comfort, honesty, and bliss. It's weird how I can transform so much during one night and know that there are people who go through it simultaneously. People I sort of saw from the outside before then. I was finally convinced that smiling and crying were truly universal things. Time hangs in the air, just untouchable. No one else would know of secrets revealed, new jokes shared, or even the silent moments enjoyed. No one except for three who like to dance in castles and jump from swings in the moonlight. Current Mood: thoughtful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 1st, 2001
2:14 pm	Words of Wisdom I actually received an email from my aunt that she sent later. First of all, "Titi" means "auntie" in Spanish and I've posted this email as is. Stephanie, I have been praying for you during all this week. I just want to tell how much I love you and I'm proud of you and I can tell your mother is also proud of you as well as your dad. My heart goes after you when I see all the challenges that you are facing as a teenager that is growing and also thinking about making decisions about the future. You are very intelligent but remember to be very SMART. Set goals. Make a difference in life. Allow God to be part of your goals and life. Remember good values of life and reflect on them Talk your concerns specially with parents and Titi & Uncle and people that could add good things into your life and mostly with GOD. I just want you to be very careful with friendships and do not allow any circumstance that would compromise your goals and dreams in life. I want you to see your pottencial firstable to finish HSchool and then College and then marriage! Until then you have to make decisions every day concerning keeping yourself for that special day and night. I think that you know what I'm talking about. I can tell you for experience, but you need to trust God and seek Him. Is the only way because there is to much peer pressure, just because other friends are doing things (maybe sex) doesn't mean that is right. Please listen my hert in it. I just want to be more of a friend for you at this time in your life. Make a covenant (GOAL) of what you want to accomplish in life. What do you want others to know about Stephanie. SHE IS MORE THAN CONQUEROR. YES, SHE IS . GO GIRL. If I'm to much, forgive me. But I needed to share this things with you. Have a great day. An Aunt that loves, Titi Bibi Did I ever tell you how much she offends me? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:51 am	Sacred Sex The last time I talked to my aunt before this morning was the day after Thanksgiving when she came up to Richmond. She wanted to spend the day shopping with my mum and I and I knew that eventually I would be ignored and the sisters would talk amongst themselves, leaving me to my own devices in the holiday shopping madness. So I met Jeremy at the mall around 7 and we left my mum and aunt to eat at CiCi's and browse the bookstore. I got back at 10:30 and that was that. Well, the phone rang this morning and I answered it just as I was heading out the door to school. Twas my lovely aunt who had called because her email to me hadn't went through and she just wanted to let me know something's that she had been thinking about for the past week. This was completely random and out of the blue and I had no idea why she had "prayed so hard" for me over the past few days. The following are the main points that she made: 1) She felt that I was too young to be devoted to one person in particular and that all I really need now are friends. "There will come a time, when your older, that friendships can evolve into something more. But right now, just enjoy going out to the movies, shopping; you know, friends things." Yeah. Friends are people who only do things with you that can be completely impersonal and require little contact. But that is what she wants, as little contact between a guy and me as possible. So therefore, I should just have girl friends and giggle and act shy around guys I meet. This way, I'll magically find prince charming who will whisk me away to a 2 story house, with 2.5 kids, and a great church. Sounds like a plan. 2) Sex can wait, master... God's word. "Now you are not of the age where passions and things like kissing are appropiate. Look to God when you feel like you don't know what to do in situations dealing with... well, I'll just say it, sex. Think about what He would want you to do." Yr right auntie. Sex , can wait. I'll just turn to my Jackhammer Jesus. BZZZZZZ Sacred stimulation, Hallelujah!!!!!! 3) Never let a MAN pressure me to do anything. No, I left the mall with Jeremy because I fucking wanted to! "And just... know that you shouldn't do whatever... he wants you too. Mmkay?" She meant don't have sex with him because he is influencing you to. Again, no, if I fuck him it is because I wanted to. Hypocrite if there ever was one. Ms. Christian morals, she is HARDCORE in her religion and as conservative as they get. Republicans would be disgusted by her attitude. She can't say shit to me about falling prey to man's desires because she is so fucking subordinate to her husband because of her Old Testament patriarchal beliefs. I'm not the one on my knees for a Man every night and day. My mum cut her off before she could say anything else entirely offensive and said that we had to leave. So in the car, I confronted her about it and she said that she sort of agreed with my aunt. "I just don't think it right that dyou and Jeremy go out for hours EVERY weekend. Always you and him, never nothing else." Yeah, well, I'm fucking dating him. I would like a relationship to consist of just a few moments were I can be with him in person. I asked her why it was fine for me to go out for hours, sometimes days on end with my other friends but not Jeremy. "Well, dat is differrrent. Dyou go with the girrrls, that's okay. But I just don't like it when it's too long hanging with boys." "Why is that mom? Hanging out with girls is okay because they can't fuck me?!" Silence "Well, anyone could fuck me. You don't know if I'm lesbian or bi." "I never thought if it that way....." Damn right you didn't. Current Mood: worried (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 26th, 2001
10:43 pm	I feel dangerously good. My mood is just too.... good. I feel so weird. I'm not spectacular nor morose but just in the middle. Good. And it's one of those feelings I've gotten for no particular reason. This contradicts most of my day. I've been in a slump, most likely from the gloomy weather, and find myself feeling sick. Like snifflesniffle coughcough sick. Snot. Germs. Ick. But tonight I enjoyed the library all by myself and talked to my mum about x-mas plans. Speaking of which, let me know all your wish lists darlings! I've got great ideas for all the good kiddies this year... Kinda liking my solitude because it lets me be wacky cause no one's watchin'. The soundtrack in my head is music you can't move to but I'm dancing anyway....... Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 18th, 2001
3:18 pm	Twinkle Twinkle I saw the sky for the first time last night. At first I didn't notice it hovering above my head. Then I just glanced and for a moment the air wasn't so cold and the car not so small. So far from life that I could barely see my own hands, stars glowed so bright and crowded the navy sky. Going 47 down 64, I just watched my hand, numb by now, reaching upward to the crystal specs while November wind raced around me. I thought of that song. I didn't even have to mention the name because we both knew what it was. And it played every time I looked up. Current Mood: artistic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 15th, 2001
3:54 pm	Intersection- Carolina and Laburnum The turn signal click-tick-ticking makes me feel like my veins are live wires while Sitting at the stop light takes longer than an eternity and Scrambling for things to say makes my eyes moist and burn like sulfur. and I hate myself for that. I wish he would take a liking to my tremors. His amusement would make it easier to feel this way. But he won't and he's not. So now I loathe my voice for cracking and damn my lip for trembling. Curse that sound for echoing in the goddamn empty air. I hold my breath waiting for the turn. Current Mood: distressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 13th, 2001
11:56 pm	Top Five Things to Ponder at the Moment 1) My grandma. She's probably dying and no one in my family, besides my mother n I, has the balls to talk about it. My dad is still in San Jose and I haven't heard from him in about a month. But I do know he's three months behind in his child support payments. I feel so awful for my Lula though.... She has just stopped eating. No one can force her. And my mom (who has power attorney even though Lula IS NOT her mother) decided not to put her on feeding tubes. I agree. I'm sick of seeing her suffer and my family just retreat back to their lavish homes with financial priorities more important than family. I think she has just lost the will to keep going. I don't blame her. I just hope she knows that I do love her and am scared out of my mind to think about her being gone. 2) Jeremy. College. Leading his own fucking life. Yeah, I do sort of forget that Jeremy is older than me but this whole graduating thing kinda puts everything in perspective. I don't even know how I feel about the whole issue. I am happy that he's graduating but I can't help wanting to somehow freeze time, not let him go. Things won't be the same and perhaps that is a good thing. But I can't help contemplate how I'm/he is going to adapt. We'll both have different reactions because we'll be experiencing two different parts of the "moving on process." Moving on from high school. From family. What about friends then...... I have to wonder because he is my best friend. I'm not just concerned about Jeremy but all of my senior friends. Amy n Amy. Amy N is going all the way to New York!!! In my little, hometown life that seems like the farthest place she could go and I'll never see her again. I dunno where Thursday is headed to but it's still troubling to think about her just being gone, off living as this great bohemian writer/artist. (I will admit that I love the fact that her destiny is open to modification; possibilities are endless....) I wish I could embrace change but I won't lie; I'm scared out of my mind. 3) Me. College. Leading my own fucking life. I haven't had a job yet. No $ towards getting a car. Don't know how much $ towards college. Don't know what I want to do/where I want to go. It seems like I'm starting to worry too early, but I can't help it. Sure I might get minority scholarships, but what about the rest of the money? I'm struggling as it is to keep my academic/extra curricular agenda balanced, so will I keep up my GPA? And work. Since my dad is obviously not helping mum n I out, I'll need to start pulling some weight. I'm just probably too obsessed with dealing with new responsibility. Perhaps I'm too eager for it. I will not burn out. 4) My (former?) pals. I tried to talking to some of my friends from the past years. I know the relationships will never be what they were but I'm wondering where we're going to go on from here. I've got my small, tight knit group at school and...... yeah, well..... I have them. And I am content! For once I'm happy with the people around me. Despite their small number, my friends rock. However, I'm still willing to try and rekindle those old flames. I guess they were sort of like love affairs. Roller coaster emotions but I knew the sparks between us would die down once things got complicated. (will my current spark fade with upcoming drama?) 5) Sleep. I just need to sleep now..... That's really what I've been lacking the past month or two. I think I'll try some of that vicodin now................. Current Mood: lethargic (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 4th, 2001
11:07 pm	This weekend wasn't a disaster like I thought it would be. Once again my assumptions about life have been proven wrong. My last entry was absolutely pointless... I really did have too much to drink but at that party there wasn't much else to do. The beach was kind of a waste of my Friday night and Saturday. Whatever. Family and I never get along so I might as well take advantage of what they can get me. However, I am pissed because I missed Dark Side of Oz at the midnight movie. Going to Carytown today sorta made up for it. I purchased a Squarepusher CD that I'm not really happy about... gonna return it. I should have bought the new Tenacious D but Jerbil is gonna burn me a copy.... he better. Jeremy and I saw Brien at Java Outpost and he provided us with complimentary tea and coffee. I really love that boy! He never fails to brighten my day..... I'm allowing myself to push off the homework I have for this weekend because I've spent the last week so fucked up because I had too much academic shit to deal with. Most of the stress is over with so I am back to being almost normal (which is normal for me). Being overwhelmed with work really fucked up my relationship for a while so that adds to my resentment towards school. Shit. I just remember I have more stuff to finish for Triangle 2. Ah well... Monday means back to the sweatshop. Only we aren't the third world kiddies shipping out Nikes.... we're the products being molded and altered to be one day made useful. God I hope I'm defective just so I won't have to deal with being a functional asset in this dysfunctional world. Again with my melodrama... I'm not that bitter about school. I'm just really distraught at this moment. Don't ever trust what I say in the heat of the moment. Naive fuckers. What do people think when I tell them that they are dead inside to me? (I get that phrase from Amy, hearing her tell Bobo that too many times.) Do I get sick pleasure out of making people squirm with my words? Sometimes I can be particularly nasty to people when I want to. I say what I mean but only with words I know will have a stronger effect. I choose my phrases very carefully, making sure that each word twists the knife in a specific direction. I don't do it often, only when I'm upset enough. But am I now? How do I know when to be my worst, to change my setting from stun to kill? Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 3rd, 2001
12:43 am	mudslide #3 yeah, so greetings from Va Beach. chillin at my cousin's 21st b-day and i think i've had too much to drink. but ah well, it's all in fun. hopefully i'll get back to richmond in time to see Wiz of Oz at the Byrd. I really really really want to go! People, help me lie to my rents about it so i can attend this cult fav. On a side note, I'm confused about relationships and how things work. Why the fuck am I so crazy in mine? I dunno, I'll elaborate later when I'm in a better frame of mind. I have so much more to say but I suppose I'll get back to drinking and bad kareoke. Yeah, this is just greeeeaaaaatttttt. (is my sarcasm apparent?) the alchohol just makes everything seem not as bad..... Current Mood: drunk (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 28th, 2001
1:07 am	fighting to find company, hopefully of those who'll save me from kick starting my own brain. it's a dangerous thing, my self destruction. but this time i can't blame it on my mind- you rip my heart out with your bare teeth, hands behind your back. my, what a spectacular party trick that is. blood n guts always entertain, but you over do it, love. how long is it gonna fascinate you? I wish I would get bored with it.... oh, but how i adore your ruthlessness that hides behind an adoring smile. Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 27th, 2001
10:57 pm	"can't say dat in my camp" Friday night I rocked out with the little kiddies that attend Jeremy's mom's preschool. The amount of cuteness was overwhelming, so many of the toddlers were so fucking adorable. I always talk about how I will never ever have kids of my own but that one night made me sorta reconsider that. Frightening. I especially loved Jeremy's three-year old cousin Logan. I wanna adopt that kid. All decked out as Buzz Lightyear, he was really shy at first. But then I saw him running around, playing the games with his other NASA buddy. I must say he impressed me with his putt-putt golfing skills. He warmed up to me and made me melt. It was kinda scary seeing Jeremy pick him up and swing him around, I'm just not used to Jerbil being so... I dunno playful around kids. Logan would cling around Jeremy's neck and they'd run toward me from across the room..... "Gwroar!" hee hee. Logan would stare me down and suddenly roar at me. I feigned fright and turned away from him only to have him and Jeremy chase me. :::sigh::: I love little kids. And I heart jeremy's mom! She has to be the most giving of mothers. I saw all that she set up for those kids and it was amazing. Those children love her too. They all crowded around her and I saw how genuinely happy she was when, as they were leaving, said "Thank you, Mrs. Kim!" Mrs. H was even in costume. She was the best scarecrow ever. (If I compare her to a super-heroine, then what is her secret identity?) :::kinda worried::: I sent Amy a get well e-card. I hope the girl is doing okay. Get well hon!!! Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
12:41 am	doom doom doom doom doom doom doom. mmm, I love the library. Musky, yellow novels bound with tattered spines and torn covers. I especially love going to Fairfield library. Despite their minimal selection, i can get lost in all of the rows and seemingly endless stacks of books. I just park myself between shelves of biographies and poetry anthologies and read for hours. Rock on free literature. I went in search of resources about Spanish architecture (which I found NONE) and was surprised to find out that they were holding a kid's Halloween party. Aw! The kiddies running about in their costumes were cute. The "Elvis" kid was my favorite. He seemed kinda lost in the crowd of Pokemon and clowns. Too many clowns. Amy D wouldn't have been a happy camper. Yesterday was my grandma's birthday. Eighty freakin seven. Part of me never wants to get that old. Going to see her with my cousin and my mum was kinda depressing too. But I think she was really happy when we came to see her so I'll look on the bright side. As if a gift could compensate for the years she spent helping raise me, I gave her this family scrapbook I've been working on. She really liked it except she couldn't get some of the people in the photos right. In this one black n white pic of my dad and my aunt as kids, she just kept saying that yeah, it was my dad Jim but the girl with him was my 21 yr old cousin. Uh, no grandma. Besides that, she's all good. So happy birthday Lula, sorry you started a family that is so dysfunctional :) Her advice to me: "Stepany, don't you pull bullshit in school. Wait till after your studies are over to get a man. That is why you postpone your wedding this week." Riiiiiight Grandma, I'll move the wedding date. LOL I love her. When I saw her I was still recovering from the weekend. I didn't sleep at all after seeing the midnight movie. Earlier that Saturday I went to Fan Tastic thrift and carytown to put in my contribution to the economy. Ran into some people at Plan 9.... How awkward. Hopefully we (I) got over the uncomfortable situation. I definitely need to stop overreacting to things like that. Just let it slide; don't be so goddam melodramatic. I later met up with Layne and Ashley and we indulged ourselves at Nacho Mamas. Yum. but my appetite was ruined by the sight of flaming meat and lard (along with assorted condiments). Seeing hamburgers ablaze in the streets isn't the most appealing sight in the world. Oh those arsonist wannabes. How cute. ;) the vandals know who they are...... Jeremy then met up with us and Layne n Ashley left just as Jerbil and I walked down to Galaxy to chill with Amy-n-Amy and Emma. Weren't we surprised at the atmosphere of our once-favorite-quirky-diner. That depressed me. The restaurant is now so pseudo-ritzy (as Amy N would say) and revamped so that it is unrecognizable. Farewell to my strawberry shakes n french toast. And The tiramisu isn't even that good. After leaving The ex-diner, The gang walked down to 7-11 where Amy N bought some cigarettes. Turning 18 now gives her The right to legally become nicotine addict :D LOL, kinda exhilarating though when you have finally been given The ability to do something. Shopping in Kroger was fun too. I bought me some bubbles! Actually, Jeremy leant me The $ to buy it. He my sugah daddy. And Amy D purchased a HUGE bag of dumdum lollipops. Hooray for root beer! However, we were all disgusted with that popcorn flavor. I suggested only handing those out to The crazy bums to scare me on the street. I'm sorry if I seem insensitive to some of The homeless. Actually, i'm not. sorry, that is. if ur offended, steal a sense of humor. Our feature presentation: Pink Floyd's The Wall ohmygawd. I couldn't take it all in. It still hurts my head to try and explain every single metaphor in that movie. Mister Waters, you are either an extremely doped up man or a genius. or both. Afterward, emma left us and I do miss her. I'm sad that I never really knew her when she was going to HHS, but I do love The gal, she's great! Jeremy and i then accompanied The Amys to IHOP and chatted it up till Amy D had to be home. Hope The girl was okay, she seemed kinda... i dunno, in an odd mood when she left. I just hope everyone had a good time. That is my biggest fear: hanging out with friends but never knowing if they are wishing for an untimely demise The entire time. i'm just paranoid and idealistic, i want everyone to have a good time. then we'll hold hands n sing rounds of "kumbaya" (sp?) I want The weekend to hurry up and start again. Halloween is so close yet i am so unprepared! I want to trek out to The pumpkin patch before next wednesday though! I love Halloween, it'll be great this year- i hope. And mimesis is coming up, The day after Halloween in fact. so many things I'm looking forward too..... Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
11:38 pm	I feel more relieved than I have the past week. I finally have time to breathe. No more projects due (yet) and No more scurrying around for homecoming. but with this spare time I now feel too tired to do much of anything. fuck me. I'll stop bitchin. I am grateful for this small interval between stressful rampages. my equivalent to a weekend at the mountains/beach/ resort for some. Although majorly fatigued, I'm still kinda giddy from homecoming. it's weird. I can't say that anything in particular was spectacular, nothing was so monumental. but in retrospect, the entire night was amazing. I mean the little things all put together made the night one big, great..... thing. backtrack to when jerbil picked me up. i wasn't ready (how cliche) so he waited with my mum out in the living room for a few minutes. how disturbed he must have been, poor boy. oddly enough when we were getting ready to leave, mum wanted to take pics. yay, portraits that will reflect my adolescent awkwardness for years to come. i'm not trying to sound cynical but i am just not photogenic, hence i loathe posing for pictures. but i stood and smiled, quite fake and all, then jeremy and i left. Mis amigos y yo ate at the patina grill and that was quite interesting. the food was delish and i had a great time with amy n, michael, carol, and, um, her date. aubrey? i think that's it. he liked his toothbrush, that's all i remember.... before heading to the dance from the restaurant, jeremy and i stopped by ashley's house since it was literally across the street. i totally appreciate how he does that sort of thing for me. i mean, he took me over to see my friends, who he doesn't even talk to, and was polite and friendly to top it off. layne was spending the night with ash so i got to see her too. her 'rents and lil bro made a big fuss over jeremy and i being all dressed up but i loved it. i like other people's families, they're great. someone adopt me. from there we headed on to the dance. we were about an hour late and i was obviously unhip trying to dance to "Back That Ass Up" and retain my dignity. but everyone else was making fools of themselves so i let my pride go and got my grind on. i can say that without shame because i will admit that everyone does some dirty dancing (myself included) but jerbil and i did not participate in the mass orgy that was homecoming (probably much to his chagrin). ghettoness was overwhelming but i had great clean fun dancing with amy, michael, and jeremy. especially when i tried to teach him the electric slide. i agree with amy n, i love the 80's. after the bump n grind fest, I went with the crew to the midnight movie, Pulp Fiction, at the Byrd. I was disappointed that amy d and emma weren't there, but I still had fun. I love my tarantino. jeremy was so tired he dozed off for a bit. the rows in front and behind us commented on his snoring but neither amy nor I bothered to wake him. he just looks too cute asleep and drooling. my nomadic posse (which actually was just jeremy and amy by then) dropped by IHOP for an early morning, 3 AM to be precise, breakfast. I didn't miss the binge drinking or popular parties at all. I loved just being with them, talking over coffee and chocolate chip pancakes till daybreak. jerbil and I dropped amy off at her house around 5 and we proceeded to cruise the 24hr wal-mart. thank badness for supercenters. that, and trips to target and b&n, killed enough time till he brought me home around 1 pm sunday. I still didn't sleep and only now am I missing those zzzzz's. whew. I thought I was tired doing all that and i'm worn out writing so much bullshit about it. I talk way too much. so looking back on it, I had a pretty eventful weekend. now I think I'll go and sleep off this hangover from binge studying. academic OD will be the death of me. but before i go.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY! that's right. my girlie is legal today. like our lunchtable said, "Today you're 18. You can finally do everything you've been doing since you were 15 legally." so, feliz cumpleanos, chica. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (19 kisses--- 18 for ur years and 1 for good luck) Current Mood: mellow (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 15th, 2001
12:18 am	afterglow. I did breathe a sigh of relief. I did have a superb time. I did count down the minutes -- only to make each second count. I did not become a clockwatcher, I was too busy being lost in the moment. I grinned like a fucking fool and was dripping with sincerity. I did laugh and yeah, often at myself. Damn it, I did. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 13th, 2001
12:24 pm	dancing queen. Today I felt guilty for sleeping in because it is a gorgeous day outside. And because I still have half of my science project to do. It's due Tuesday and I am thoroughly screwed over. I curse my procrastinating habits and yet the slacker in me will never change. But I won't be working on this all day because tonight is homecoming. Excited? I suppose. Skeptical? Hell yeah. I'm trying to shove the cynical side of me in the back of my head as to not ruin today. I am going to have a good time. I will like it. It will be the most monumental event I have ever attended, damn it. I think after the dance though we're going to go see Pulp Fiction at the Byrd with Amy and Emma. Rock on midnight madness. And next week I'll trek back down town to see The Wall. Lots o things to look forward to. There hasn't been much to look forward to this past week. I know I sound like such a bitch saying that because Thursday was Jeremy and I's one year anniversary and tonight is homecoming. But I fucked myself over with pushing off so much school work that I've been up till 1:30 every night this week trying to finish projects n shit. I haven't had much time to just sit back and enjoy anything. I missed the Powder Puff Bowl because of my projects and couldn't see Meg kick snotty, blonde senior ass and Amber get pounded into the ground (j/k, she's a tough girlie). And I couldn't come see the homecoming parade/game although I really just wanted to see everyone in their decade-themed get ups for the floats. I even pissed Jeremy off on our anniversary. :::groan::: Once I finish this science assignment for Tuesday I will be able to breathe. Already I have this fuzzy, light headed feeling from lack of oxygen. Just waiting to gasp. I will breathe tonight. I will have a good time. I will not count down the minutes till its over. I will not be a clockwatcher. I will smile and be sincere about it. I will laugh, even if only at myself. Damn it, I will. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 11th, 2001
12:37 am	i feel like a heart attack struggling at first; speeding up to something so important and then stopping still. feeling everything build up to the brim, runningtogether, making me want to explode. but i only withstand unbearable constraint. invisible bondage. (you can't see them words darlin) stealthy assassins. oh yeah, gotcha. Current Mood: vunerable (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 4th, 2001
11:51 pm	ain no exhausted. I really shouldn't be writing this right now because I am so tired I feel like my head weighs a 100 lbs and my legs are numb. my pillow looks so appealing. I'm exhausted b/c I haven't spent more than 2 hours at home today and being on the go constantly is something I really can't handle. I love my friends and it is my posse (sp?) that keeps me going. School was bearable but I was much more excited about my extra curricular shindigs. For Triangle 2 I found out that I have to do my "begging" initiation on October 19th. Expect me to act/look more like a fuck up in a couple of Fridays. I need to get all dressed up like a bum and collect money; dish out ur spare change bitches! And mimesis was ... well, tonight. Ugh, I know I should be really care free and just have fun with mimesis, but my nerves got to me and I freaked. I know I dedicated myself to the club but when the pressure is on and i stand up in front of EVERYONE to try and get my act together I break down. I felt like I let meg, david, and the amys down. Maybe i'm being too hard on myself but I can't help beating myself up. I wish the meeting had gone more smoothly, especially considering the open mic poetry. I did have a great time with jeremy and amy at her house (i love amy's room, chaos is art!) . but when my friends and i had to stop setting up and actually have the meeting, my awkwardness set in and i felt awful. a bitchin headache didn't help either. i just hope i did the best i could despite my really bad humor and half ass attempts at being poetic. everyone, please forgive my awful jokes and retarded mimesis intro. but oh yes, but please bring ur friends and come back to mimesis! i'll do better next time! :) Nah, i love mimesis and all my buds who do it with me. that is really the best part of it all. being goofy and weird with people who are equally quirky. in the end, i love everything we do in mimesis. amy's green ribbons. davids "star strangled banner" song. amy n's poem about jeremy's neighborhood. meg's selfless leadership (and yes i am sincere!). mr marr's ability to deal with our chaos. the fact that he actually likes being there and is an overall great guy. nick porter trying to spell "Czechoslovakia." and the hugs from all my friends after closing up the meeting. But my favorite part was playing the questions improv game where we sat in a cirlce asking each other random questions, not repeating what anyone has said before. girl: ::looks at Jeremy::: "So, who are you?" Jeremy: "No, who are you?!" :::laughter ensues::: Jeremy's out. lol. that is my boy. Current Mood: tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 27th, 2001
11:07 pm	i can't wait till those crimsons and oranges spread over all the green like magic this afternoon was gorgeous. jeremy drove me home today after he tried to pay for this speeding ticket. yeah, the courthouse wouldn't accept it because it was 4:05 and the deadline was 4 o'clock on the dot. Actually we got there about 3:55 and the cops at the entrance told him to take off his chain/cellphone/other various metallic items and take them back to the car. by the time he did all that it was five past 4. So we were there before closing time. I hate rules like that, concerning just circumstance, "no exceptions, sorry." I want them to know what it feels like to be just 5 minutes too late. But I had a great time driving home. I saw this blue sky float over me, just out of reach. Staring upward out of the sunroof (neither a sun nor a roof, discuss amongst yourselves) I just stared at the tips of the trees that blurred as we sped by. The sun is great that time of afternoon. Golden and clear, like everything is illuminated. and tonight after my interview, the sky was dotted with violet clouds on a pitch black canvas. I'm in love with fall because it seems like the only time of year where everything is so crisp and in focus. And still. It's still as all hell and you feel like you can't take in everything surrounding you. Overwhelming almost. I'm so weird. I always think about that Volkswagon Cabrio commercial. That night sky is perfect. And the way the moonlight pours out over everything. Ah! I just love watching it. I will actually stop what I am doing at the moment to watch the 40 seconds of that ad. Odd, they're trying to sell me the car, but all I really want is a perfect night like that. ***** fall nights have to be the best. those stars shine so clear; silver and shadows mix, cast by the moonlight. by far, nothing compares to fall nights where the sky seems just like a whole bucket of stars dumped into the universe....... ;) Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
11:04 pm	"never leave unless you're ready to never come back" ...... or something like that I've been reading Meg's entries about how she just wants to get away from here. From this school. From this city. I hate how I have so many conflicting feelings because so often I can totally relate; I want to get my head into the clouds and out of suffocating ignorance of so many people around me. and mostly from people I never choose to be around, "i mean, i don't care what they think of me, but it just makes you think how soon people become assholes. it's not reserved for adults or anything." I love my friends, few that I have, but they all really mean something to me. although they never know it, in my small, pitiful life, they often are one main motivation I have for getting up in the morning. Pathetic. Yeah. But true. Lately I've been struggling with this inner conflict- I want that independence from this place. but what about those familiar faces, as much as I despise them at times, they give me comfort. change is a bitch. Actually considering all of my erratic emotions and breakdowns, I'm probably change's bitch. this just mainly springs from my old group of friends. being so close to these people for around 4 years. they knew my heart inside and out. and I felt like I knew them. but where do I even begin now? we never talk let alone see each other. I want to be bitter and just give the final blow to these withering relationships. and where will that leave me? I'm scared of losing the only family i've known. hell, maybe i've already lost it but i'm still hanging on. I think I'm starting to realize though that the inevitable changes in life just have got to be faced with acceptance. but I'm not a fucking adult yet and I don't want to grow up so fast. I want this safe town, with safe friends who will never leave me, a safe relationship that I will never fear to be wavering. God. I want to be boring. fuck me. Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)